This is a Claire’s, Bitch.
Love’s Shadow by Frederick Sandys (1867)
Find Sara on Instagram and Substack @sarajanemascelli
CHARACTERS (in order of appearance):
JILL JEFFERSON
- She/Her. 22. Assistant manager at Claire’s. Tattooed, sarcastic, wry. Pretends to be a self-proclaimed “loner” when she really just craves some companionship. Proudly wears her “not like other girls” badge in every way.
DEANDRA DELANCEY
- She/Her. 21. A former pageant girl. High-school dropout. Incredibly bubbly and very out of touch. She is trying to acclimate to normal life by acquiring her first real world job. Her exterior seems vapid and superficial, but she is an incredibly fragile and volatile girl underneath.
BIG BOSS BOWSER, who consists of...
- Kellyanne: She/Her. 40s. Backwoods Barbie. Vapid. Violent. Lives vicariously through her children. The special kind of individualistic, unhinged consumer who gives you a good reason to pray she never comes in again. You know the one.
- Janice: She/Her. 50s. Conservative. Deceptively kind-looking. A classically entitled “Karen” to the highest degree. Fanny packed and ready for war (with unsuspecting customer service workers, that is.)
- Alex - She/Her. 30s. A single mom who works two jobs, who loves her kids (including her honorary eldest, Jill) and never stops. Kindhearted, tough. A survivor a la Reba.
- THIS TRACK CAN BE SPLIT INTO THREE DIFFERENT ROLES, or played by a single actor of any gender (in drag...?)
SETTING (with some mall lore, too!):
Interior of a Claire’s in a small town Texas strip mall, present day. Not a nice, new Claire’s. A Claire’s that has been open for AGES - A Claire’s that seems like it’s days from closing. It’s pretty plain and maybe a little dingy. Very little business.
(1:07 pm. Saturday. JILL leans against
the front register at Claire’s. She has some
tattoos. Maybe a nose piercing. Box-dyed
dark hair. You wouldn’t think she’d be the
Assistant Manager of a Claire’s. She’s
hitting an Elf Bar and playing a game on her
phone. She does NOT want to be here.
Suddenly, DEANDRA bustles in, with blonde
curls and freckles. She wears a pink crop
top with a big rhinestone butterfly on it.
Very Clairescore, except she’s an adult.)
DEANDRA
Hi there, sorry I’m late! My ride stopped to pick up some cigs, it was a whole thing- Are you Alex?
JILL
Jill, actually. Assistant manager. So I guess she didn’t tell you this in your phone interview, but Alex is, like, never here. Like... realistically? You will never see her again. At least, not here. She has three kids, and last time they were with their dad, he left them in a KFC unattended so he could screw his girlfriend in the bowling alley parking lot next door. Sooooooooo. She’s usually preoccupied. Sole custody ‘n all that.
DEANDRA
Well, that’s. A lot.
JILL
Yeah, sorry. Just wanted you to know what you’re walking into-
DEANDRA
Men are just plain shitty sometimes, I think- AGH! Dammit! AH! Language! I’m sorry- It’s just- Kids are such little shits, I can’t help but- I feel so bad for her, you know? ... you get it.
JILL
(fucking with her)
I “get it”? What about me gave you the immediate impression that I think all men and children are “little shits”?
DEANDRA
Oh- no, I just mean. Well, I dunno. I was a little shit, anyway.
JILL
Speak for yourself, I was a cherub. “Princess angelgirl”, Mom called me. Plus, not too much on the kids, Blondie. When Alex actually shows up, she brings all three. And they LOVE it here.
DEANDRA
Oh, sure. That’ll be... somethin’, yeah. “Princess angelgirl”?
(Jill shoots her a look like
“You believed that?” Very awkward beat.)
DEANDRA
Well, I’m Deandra! But everybody calls me Dee-Dee ‘fer short-
JILL
Okay, Deandra. Let’s just jump right in/
DEANDRA
/Jill, can I be honest about something first? Like, is there space for me to be sincerely 100% truthful with you right now?
JILL
Um, sure? Scout’s honor, or whatever-
DEANDRA
You are not the type I expected to be working with today.
JILL
Yeah, I know, I thought we just/ covered this
DEANDRA
No, not like I expected Alex. It’s just your whole...
(D gesticulates broadly and
embarrassingly, trying to indicate that
Jill’s pierced and tatted tough-girl
exterior is the elephant in the room.
Jill willfully misunderstands.)
JILL
(very Jade West mocking Tori Vega)
Whatever do you mean?
DEANDRA
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. You’re... pretty gothy. Like, to be working at a Claire’s.
JILL
Huh. I didn’t know that looking like you shopped at Claire’s was a prerequisite to work at Claire’s. That might make a few twelve-year-old girls more qualified than me.
DEANDRA
No offense, mall goth, you pull it off, it’s just-
JILL
I am NOT A MALL GOTH. But. Thank you, or whatever.
(Deandra shuts up. Beat. The power is
Jill’s, again. Was it ever not? Her
store, her rules, after all...)
JILL
Anyway. I’m gonna run you through the basics. Nothing crazy. All accessories are BOGO right now. That’s buy-one-get-one, by the way. Squishmallows are limited to THREE per person. That’s a HARD cap at three. And, last but not least, when that customer is screaming and fighting and spitting and cursing at you, breathe in, breathe out, and give them a coupon.
DEANDRA
... A coupon?
JILL
Here.
DEANDRA
“Buy one, get one free, hair accessories. Doesn’t include headbands, scrunchies, barrettes, or hairties.” What does it include?
JILL
Butterfly clips. They were flying off the shelves a month ago. But now they’re not.
DEANDRA
Huh. Okay.
(Another awkward little beat.
Deandra is deeply, visibly
uncomfortable.)
DEANDRA
I’m kinda a little bit nervous about alla’ this, Jill.
JILL
Nervous? We’ve done ... nothing yet. What could possibly-
DEANDRA
THISISMYFIRSTREALJOB. Fuck, ouch, that hurt to hold in.
JILL
Wait, but. What? Alex told me you had prior experience?
DEANDRA
I do! Yeah!
JILL
Not in retail?
DEANDRA
No, haha, never. Ew.
JILL
In what?
DEANDRA
IN THE PAGEANT INDUSTRY!
(Deandra expects a massive
emotional fanfare at the
mention of this achievement.
Jill stares for a moment.
Maybe stifles a laugh.)
DEANDRA
Wut.
JILL
No uh, well- nothing.
DEANDRA
Not nothin’-
JILL
It’s, uh, it’s just-
(Jill scoff-laughs again.
It’s condescending.)
DEANDRA
WHAT????
JILL
I just didn’t know that a background in pageantry prepared you for a job in customer service.
DEANDRA
Excuse you. This isn’t just a “customer service job”! Claire’s is all about making little girls feel beautiful. Not servin’ customers, or whatever. In fact - It’s our job to help the customer SERVE. And I got hired because I am MORE THAN QUALIFIED to do that. I mean, think about it. It’s an easy sell. Who better to make little girls feel beautiful than a beauty queen?
(Deandra smiles.)
JILL
Except, this isn’t the Bippitybopboutique, Deandra. We aren’t giving whimsical child makeovers; we’re either administering cheap piercing services or recommending sweatshop-produced scrunchies.
DEANDRA
Well, damn, anything would be bleak the way you spin it. And what the fresh hell is a Bippitybopboutique-
JILL
DisneyWorld thing. You never been?
DEANDRA
Hell no. Mama had no money for that kinda stuff; extra cash was only for pageant expenses. She was a good manager like that.
JILL
You still compete?
(Deandra’s face darkens.
It’s kinda freaky.)
DEANDRA
Beauty queen past tense.
(Jill realizes she’s
struck a nerve.)
JILL
Oh, I didn’t- Not past tense. You’re just, you just grew up.
(Jill spots a customer
approaching the store.)
JILL
Hey, first one all day. How about you watch me take this
customer, alright?
(KELLYANNE saunters into
the store. She enters,
talking on the phone.
She’s on a mission. Jill
opens her mouth to greet
her when suddenly:)
DEANDRA
(cutting in)
Hi there! Welcome to Claire’s! My name’s Deandra, but /everyone-
KELLYANNE
/Karl, I’m gonna need you to shut the everloving fuck up and pick up Lucy’s birthday cake right now or so help me Jesus I’ll strangle you dead. I mean it. You’d be a cold, dead motherfucker in an hour or two. We don’t want that, do we Karl? No. So go on and hop in your pussy-ass Jeep and get the cake. Bye-bye now!
(Kellyanne hangs up and heads
straight to the back corner.
After a fervent search, she
consults the girls.)
KELLYANNE
Hi, ya’ll. I’m lookin’ for a plastic tiara that spells out “Birthday Girl”, I know they carry ‘em here, so if you could just go ‘an grab one outta the back for me I’d really appreciate it.
JILL
I’m so sorry, ma’am, there isn’t actually a “back.”
KELLYANNE
Ha! OKAY, I don’t think you understand. I need you to actually get up and go and look and find my Birthday Girl a TIARA.
JILL
(locking in - customer service voice)
Oh, no, like. There is NO “back.” That back door just leads to the parking lot. All of our inventory is on the floor, but we should have a new shipment coming in next week! Yeah, I’m so sorry, I guess we’re just out of stock for to/day-
(This has unlocked something
deep and dark within
Kellyanne. Her face twists,
and Jill recognizes the micro
expression immediately. KAREN
CRASHOUT.)
KELLYANNE
/Out of STOCK?
JILL
I’m sorry, if you’d like I could notify you wh/en-
KELLYANNE
/NOTIFY. This. ASS. My baby girl’s birthday is TODAY, and I was counting on this to be the one thing that didn’t let her down.
DEANDRA
I’m so terribly sorry. Could I offer you a coupon in these trying times?
KELLYANNE
A COUPON? I don’t want any of this other cheap shit! I NEED THE CHEAP SHIT I CAME HERE FOR.
DEANDRA
(searching for a fix)
I COMPLETELY understand your frustration - but, might I suggest a birthday sash instead? Uh, we’ve got a... few backstock Jojo Siwa birthday bows?
JILL
(aside to Deandra)
Yeah, those never totally sold out at our locat/ion-
KELLYANNE
/A goddamn birthday bow??? She’s sweet sixteen, dipshit.
JILL
(aside to Deandra)
Sixteen with a “Birthday Girl” Tiara from Claire’s?
KELLYANNE
The FUCK did you just mutter, mall goth?
(Beat. Scary, tense
beat. Until SUDDENLY ...
CHAOS erupts, vocally and
physically. Kellyanne grabs
Jill by the hair, trying to
pull her over the counter.
Seeing Jill physically harmed
triggers some instinct within
Deandra.
Soon enough, all turn into a
tangled mess of limbs and
noises as Deandra fights
tooth-and-nail to sacrifice
herself and keep Jill safe.
It becomes immediately clear
to Jill in the face of danger
- Deandra is a tougher cookie
than she appears. By the end
of this sequence Kellyanne
has yanked Jill over the
counter, but Deandra won’t
give up the fight just yet.)
DEANDRA
TAKE YOUR GREASY HANDS OFFA’ MY FRIEND - LADY. Don’t MAKE me SAY it AGAIN. I SAAAAAID: “GET THOSE GRIMY BONEY TANNIN’ BED FINGERS OFFA’ HER YOU BOTCHED-UP BUSTED-ASS BIG FUCKIN’ BITCH!!!”
(Kellyanne punches Deandra in
the face. Deandra pops right
back up and kicks Kellyanne
in the crotch. HARD.
She crumbles. Game over.)
KELLYANNE
/Fuck... ow. OW. Fine, I’ll go! You know what? I’m heading over to JUSTICE. Those girls play FAIR. AND they keep shit in stock.
(Kellyanne limps out, but not
before turning over her
shoulder to get one last look
at Deandra, saying:)
KELLYANNE
Crazy fuckin’ bitch.
(She exits. The girls are
both shaken. Deandra rushes
to Jill once the shock has
worn off, but Jill stays
put.)
DEANDRA
I’msosorry. I’msosososorry, that was so intense, and I escalated-
JILL
No, what? No sorries. You... wow. Yeah, maybe intense. But you didn’t escalate anything! She was about to scalp me over a piece of plastic. See, the whole “breathe, coupon” thing - that’s anice policy and all, but you saw - it’s NOT foolproof. GOD, I amso lucky you were here.
DEANDRA
Well, I’m glad I was here.
JILL
Thank you. I mean it, Deandra. You know? You look so fa/miliar-
DEANDRA
Hey, hold that thought, another one’s comin’.
JILL
Oh, great! You can take this one.
DEANDRA
WHAT? ALREADY? I don’t even know what to say or - or how to count change! All I know is how to kick a cunt in the cooch :(
JILL
C’mon now. You said it yourself, you’re the perfect person for this job. Even without the insane tolerance for pain and physical combat skills - I’m pretty convinced you’d learn less from watching me.
(Deandra wants to object to
that statement, but it’s too
late. JANICE is already
storming into the store,
right up to the front desk.
Jill walks to the back of the
cash register cubicle to
watch Deandra handle it.)
DEANDRA
Hi there! Welcome to Claire’s! My name’s Deandra, but everyone calls me Dee-/Dee
JANICE
/Okay Deirdre, listen up. My husband was in here last week, and he bought two hot pink camisoles for our girls. And Deirdre/
DEANDRA
It’s Deandra, ac/tually
JANICE
Deirdre, quite honestly, I’m rippin’ pissed. These camisoles are skanky. I can’t believe you guys are hockin’ this slutty shit to kids. Lace on the top, little heart on the bottom- quite frankly, I’m fuckin’ disgusted. He’s a man, he’s clueless, it’s pink, it’s a girly store. Why did no sales associate help him choose something more appropriate? Why are you all even sellin’ this cheap, tasteless shit in the first place, huh?
JILL
(to Deandra, quietly)
Coupon?
DEANDRA
Respectfully, ma’am, I have to defend the name of this fine establishment. Claire’s is all about makin’ little girls feel beautiful! I know my mama always used to tell me, “A little bit of lace and a touch of sparkle never hurt anybody.”
JANICE
Oh, well, I guess that’s just the difference between your mama and myself. I’m raising God-lovin’, Bible-respectin’ young ladies. Your mama raised a lipstick-wearin’ Jezebel bimbo who/re
DEANDRA
/DON’T TALK ABOUT MY MAMA LIKE THAT, YOU BIG FAT UGLY DOLLAR STORE DYEJOB ASS BIT/CH
JANICE
/Who the HELL are YOU to/ talk to me-
JILL
/HeLLOOOOO Ma’am, so sorry, could I interest you in a complimentary coupon? On the house?
JANICE
I don’t want a slut coupon, I need my MONEY so I can SPEND it at a GOD-FEARIN’ institution.
JILL
Do you have a receipt, Ma’am?
(Janice thrusts the receipt
forward. Jill reads it. She
sighs loudly and smiles.)
JILL
I don’t believe I caught your name.
JANICE
Janice. It’s Janice.
JILL
Janice.
(Jill dissolves into
laughter. She calls Deandra
over and flashes her the
receipt, to Janice’s chagrin.
Deandra reads it, and soon
enough she has joined in.)
JANICE
WOW, OKAY. Now this is TOO DAMN MUCH. Truly disrespectful. My name is a glorious gift, it means GRACED by GOD/ and I-
DEANDRA
/Janice, girl, oh my GOD.
JILL
Janice, your husband didn’t even buy these here.
JANICE
You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me with this shit.
(Janice grabs the receipt
from Jill’s hands. She reads
the top of the receipt. The
girls can’t stop laughing,
but they try to pull it
together.)
JANICE
Oh.
JILL
Yeah, Janice.
JANICE
So where’s/
DEANDRA
Right across from us, Janice.
JANICE
So this.... isn’t Justice?
JILL
This is a/ Claire’s.
DEANDRA
/Yeah, this is Claire’s, BITCH!
JANICE
WELL! I’m still reporting you both to Claire’s corporate. AND I’m. I’m gonna. Oh I’m... Oh, fuck me. I’m gonna... write a Google review!
(Janice attempts to storm
out, but her fervor has
faded. It is the saddest
storm out in the history of
storming out. The girls
continue to laugh together.
It’s relieving to share a
success after Kellyanne.)
DEANDRA
Well, who the hot FUCK does she think she is?
JILL
A customer. They’re ... like that a lot of the time.
DEANDRA
How do you DEAL with this shit every day?
JILL
I’ve been working full-time since I turned sixteen. Usually, I just breathe and give them a coupon. Breathe, coupon.
DEANDRA
(laughing, almost unconsciously)
Big fat ugly fat stupid fat fucking Janice.
JILL
Hey, by the way, what’s up with that?
DEANDRA
With what??
JILL
You said that, like, three separate times now.
DEANDRA
What? Said what?
JILL
Something along the lines of “big fat ugly fat stupid fat bitch”, usually. But you’re pretty creative with the ad-libs.
DEANDRA
Oh. Yeah. Huh. I dunno! It’s a reflex. Must be a pageant thing.
JILL
Is it? It sounds like your brain is, I dunno. At war.
DEANDRA
Yeah, it was! Backstage! The moms. The girls. Fighting each other and whatnot. Yelling, screaming, claws out, no limits.
JILL
For real?
DEANDRA
Oh, for SO real. If you can’t verbally detonate another diva, you’re done for. At least, in the circles I ran in. Like - I got bit once. By a MOM. I’ve still got the scar, too, wanna see?
JILL
Wait, no, wha-
(Deandra shows her. It’s
GNARLY. Jill reacts
accordingly.)
JILL
Holy FUCK that’s- huh. So THAT’S where you learned to fight like a professional assassin! God, I- I underestimated you, Deandra. I thought being a pageant girl was all...
(Jill does the classic
“screw-in-the-lightbulb” wave
with a goofy faux-pageant
walk. Deandra laughs, maybe a
little sadly.)
DEANDRA
I wish. That wasn’t the kinda stuff I was in.
JILL
What’s that mean?
DEANDRA
You know those stories about stage moms? Stage moms who didn’t have a lot as little girls, who don’t have a lot now, but they wanna put food on the table. Stage moms who have blonde babies in broke-ass Texas just to tour and tote them through the South? Tryna’ gain any clout, credit, and cash they can?
JILL
Oh? Like... Mama Rose type shit?
DEANDRA
Kinda, like- wait hold up, you’ve seen Gypsy? I didn’t peg you as an undercover theatre kid, goth girl-
JILL
(red-faced, but laughing)
EW please never call me that again. I’m closeted about it for a reason, okay? EW, I can’t believe I told you that-
DEANDRA
You know, you’re a good listener. Thank you. I think I might be the one who underestimated you.
(Beat. Deandra and Jill meet
eyes and just stare for a
second, until Deandra breaks
the tension and blurts out:)
DEANDRA
Hey, you ever heard of that old TLC show? The one /with the-
JILL
/Babies and Batons?
DEANDRA
(wincing)
Ugh. Yes.
JILL
Wait.
DEANDRA
Yeah?
JILL
I do know you.
DEANDRA
(suddenly tense)
No you don’t. Or, you didn’t. ‘Til today. So let’s change the-
JILL
No, really. That show. Babies and Batons, you’re- you’re being fucking for real. HOLY SHIT, wait, are you actually-
DEANDRA
NO. FUCK NO. That was just a shot in the dark - I certainly did NOT peg you as a bona fide Babies-and-Batons-head.
JILL
(suddenly bubbly)
You were Miss Star Spangled Sweet Corn! You were THE baby! My mom was- God, she was fuckin’ obsessed with that dumbass show when she was in hospice. We watched you all the time.
DEANDRA
That’s so embarrassing, Jill - I think I gotta kill you now.
JILL
(teasing her)
NO WAY! Miss Star Spangled Sweet Corn turned MURDERESS? My mother would rue the fuckin’ day, let me tell you. She was so obsessed with that talent routine, I could probably do it right here, right now. With the corn cobs and the interpretive /dancing-
DEANDRA
/I wanna rip my skin off my face.
JILL
STOP- Awh, you’re all red- Deandra, I swear, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I- I don’t know about everything with your mom, but. I’m really sorry. That whole experience sounds like... a lot for a kid.
DEANDRA
Yeah. Thank you. It... was. Things were always really hard.
JILL
I get that.
DEANDRA
Not even just mentally hard, I mean. Physically. The shoes she’d throw - like, who the fuck throws a five-inch pleaser heel at their six-year-old?
JILL
Okay- my mom didn’t throw shoes at me, that’s not what I meant. But, still. You were the only thing that would make her happy. All my favorite memories in those last years, you’re in them. Dancin’ and singin’ and beatin’ other girls up on TV and - God, that's so. Gross. Sappy, but. Yeah, I’m still grateful for it. I’m grateful for any good memories I have, so. Thank you.
DEANDRA
You’re welcome.
(Deandra turns to look at
Jill, and their faces are
dangerously close. They
linger in the tension,
neither turning away until...)
End of Sample
