The Cold Facts
You can find Mark on Facebook @mark.sbani and through his email @marksbani@hotmail.com
Original image by Mark Sbani
CAST OF CHARACTERS
WORKER: 57 years old
MANAGER: 52 years old
MAYOR: 40 years old
REPORTERS:
PLACE
Colfax Avenue. Denver, Colorado
TIME
Early morning. Present-day
SCENE
Setting: Outside a “Labor Ready” office.
At Rise: WORKER wheezes, as MANAGER walks up.
MANAGER
What’s your fuckin’ problem?
WORKER
Colfax Avenue.
(Moans)
MANAGER
Alright, let’s go. You can’t be here. Come on, you bum. Wake your ass up.
WORKER
Man, you ever sleep on concrete? The sidewalk is unforgiving. It absorbs your body heat. Wrenches your back.
MANAGER
Get up! Move it! You’re trespassing. This is private property.
WORKER
Labor Ready. I’m at Labor Ready, right? “Work Today, Pay Today?” Isn’t that your slogan? I came yesterday, but you didn’t have any openings. So I spent the night here, to be first in line.
MANAGER
Look, man. Labor Ready has a strict “no bums” policy. Bums. Bad for business!
WORKER
Well, I’m not a bum. I’m a certified journeyman, with most of my tools right here. Please, hire me.
MANAGER
Forget it. I hire you, and you turn around and tell all your slacker friends. And after that, there’s no getting rid of you beggars. Now, I’m not going to tell you again. You’re blocking my entrance. Move!
WORKER
But, sir. I have nowhere to go. No bed to sleep in.
MANAGER
I don’t care. Check into a shelter. You come in here, expecting me to put you on the list? Not a chance.
WORKER
That’s very charitable, sir. Thank you.
MANAGER
Man, listen, the cure for poverty is work. That’s it. You want to generate money? You work for it. A magical cure.
WORKER
Hey, I’m labor-ready, man. I’m ready to labor. I’ll do whatever. Whatever pays.
MANAGER
You mean dressed like that? What, did Goodwill have a sale?
WORKER
I wish. I can’t afford Goodwill, or a phone, or transportation. I need money for that. But to get money, I need a job. So I got nothin’. I got no shoes. No food. I’m starving.
MANAGER
Eat garbage!
WORKER
Yeah, you try it for a day.
MANAGER
Pass. I’m not a homeless crackhead.
WORKER
Hey, I don’t smoke crack.
MANAGER
Show me your glass-dick, come on. Where’s it at? I know you get down.
WORKER
No, I really don’t. I’m clean.
MANAGER
Clean? You live in a dumpster. You scavenge. You’re a trashcan-raccoon.
WORKER
Dude, one just bit me. Yeah! Right before you got here. A raccoon climbed up my leg, and he bit me right on my ass.
MANAGER
Oh, a raccoon did that, huh?
WORKER
I got teeth marks. Here, check it out.
(Pants, then makes a guttural noise)
Nasty.
MANAGER
Dude, you’re a grown-ass man. You should be knocking out a raccoon.
WORKER
Nah, I’m too skinny.
(Pants heavily)
MANAGER
Yeah, because you smoke that rock.
(SOUND: beatbox)
WORKER
(Raps over the beat)
One, two, one, two
I dyed my pubic hairs blue
I spike my hair with glue
Never tie my shoes
Look, man, I can’t lose
Take a fucking listen
Turn off your television
What, you again, hooligan?
I’ll yank out your teeth
So you can’t yell “Police”
Yeah, deflate your prostate
Break your nose
Throw a few body blows
Wiggle your toes
If your brain is froze
You old-timer
With Alzheimer’s
What are you looking at?
MANAGER
Your eyes. You got dark circles around them. Big black rings.
WORKER
(Hoarsely)
Yeah, and?
MANAGER
And your voice is changing too. Are you turning into a raccoon?
WORKER
I feel good, real good. I feel fully alive!
MANAGER
Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, man. You’re way too close. I can smell the skeez from here.
(SOUND: car horns)
WORKER
Mmmmmm. Mmmmmm. Who’s that?
MANAGER
The Mayor, that’s who.
WORKER
The Mayor of Denver?
MANAGER
Crossing Colfax, yeah.
(MAYOR enters and walks over, followed by REPORTERS with microphones)
MAYOR
(Into the microphone)
Hello!
(Brightly)
Good morning to you! Here I am, standing on America’s longest, safest avenue. On the new Colfax. That’s right! Colfax is making a comeback. A big comeback. No more homicides. No stray bullets, hitting the 15.
(SOUND: car alarm)
None of that, now that I’m Mayor. Now that I represent you. Colfax! Denver’s most famous street, remade.
(SOUND: police siren)
WORKER
Mayor, Mayor, Mayor! People, people, people! Please, please, please!
(Growls)
MANAGER
This guy right here. Get away from him. He’s crazy, mentally disturbed. You don’t want to talk to him.
MAYOR
Oh, I’ll talk to anyone. I’m open to the public. Listen, I’m his Mayor too.
MANAGER
He’s dangerous. Look! Look! He’s foaming at the mouth.
MAYOR
Hey. No judgements here.
WORKER
(Intensely)
That raccoon, that raccoon made my mouth water. It made my tongue drip.
(Pants heavily)
MANAGER
See? Look. He’s hypersalivating. He caught the raccoon flu. It jumped from animal to person. He’s carrying a deadly virus.
MAYOR
Listen, I have a plan. Wait until you hear it. My homeless outreach program.
MANAGER
Yeah, I’ve heard. You’re moving all the little sickies up Colfax. Up but not out. You’re just dumping them here. Like this bag of filth. Not even a trashman would pick him up.
MAYOR
That’s not true.
WORKER
Nobody has any love for me?
(Has severe trouble breathing)
MAYOR
Awww, you poor thing. Let me take you to a hospital.
WORKER
No, I’m too sick to go to the hospital.
(Gurgles)
MAYOR
Are you sure?
WORKER
You can’t save me. It’s too late.
MAYOR
They’ve got clean beds, TV, and free food. Doesn’t that sound great?
WORKER
Yeah, no, sounds suspicious.
MAYOR
Well, I guess what they say is true. You can judge a society by the health of the least among us.
(SOUND: ten seconds of marching band music)
WORKER
Hear me now.
MAYOR
Today, I look across the faces before me, and I see a sad state of affairs.
WORKER
No, I said, let me speak.
MAYOR
Our reality is grim, but it is not hopeless.
WORKER
Here. Let me speak into the microphone.
MAYOR
Please! Speak. I’m very interested in your thoughts.
WORKER
(Into the microphone)
People, people, people! I’m starting my campaign. Elect me Mayor and I promise a newly-infected raccoon in every home. I promise a contaminated pigeon in every pot.
MAYOR
Ok, ok. No.
WORKER
Yes! Yes! And you know what else? I’m for global warming. The planet is overpopulated and overexploited. Too many people, too little resources. Some of the weaker and defective have got to go.
MAYOR
Ah, I’m not sure I agree with that.
WORKER
Shut up! The only rule of the jungle is, I eat you.
(SOUND: beatbox)
WORKER
(Raps over the beat)
Argh! Guess what?
Your Mayor’s a slut
She’s open to gropin’
She says, “Well, hello”
Then gives you a grab-n-go
MAYOR
(Raps over the beat)
Hey, I’m taking alot of abuse
From a guy with no front tooth
You think you own the street?
Because this is where you sleep and eat?
WORKER
(Raps over the beat)
The Mayor don’t ask, she orders
But everyone ignores her
Elect me and I promise
Humanity ends
The day I take office
Because I’m ‘core
Life’s amusing
And, blah, it’s a bore
MAYOR
Come on, people. We can do better. I’m here, right here. I am listening. Answering your questions. That’s how this works!
WORKER
What about me, Mayor? Can I have a blanket? Excuse me! I’m part of the neighborhood. Can I have some water?
MANAGER
Go on, now! Throw him out!
WORKER
Is there any place I can fill my water bottle?
MANAGER
Just leave! You little nuisance. I can’t get any work done.
WORKER
Please, have a heart. Give me some help.
MAYOR
Be nice, and I’ll help you.
MANAGER
Nobody wants you here! Clear the hell out!
WORKER
(Pants heavily)
Can I just fill this bottle?
MAYOR
I can get him some water. Hold on a second. You know, he’s not asking for anything we can’t give. He’s not asking for money or food or a handout, so why make him suffer? I mean, water is a basic human right. It’s actually against the law to deny people water.
MANAGER
Colfax bums! Who needs ‘em?
MAYOR
All human beings are legally bound to have fresh water. I’ll get him some. I’ll be a friend like that. Here you go, sir. Here’s a big jug.
WORKER
Thanks, Mayor. That’s nice.
(Drinks water)
MAYOR
Ok. Would you like hot tea with a lemon wedge?
(WORKER breathes slower)
MANAGER
(Taps the microphone)
This is a public service announcement!
(Into the microphone)
Stay away from the glass-penis, kids. You don’t want to end up like this bummo.
(Kicks WORKER, who rages)
He’s bugging out. Look at him.
MAYOR
What’s wrong? Tell me. I want to understand.
WORKER
(Gnashes his teeth)
Ugh, I’m dying here!
MAYOR
Well, if you’re homeless, the City of Denver will take care of your cremation. Up to twenty-five hundred dollars. Over twenty-five, they, uh, pull that money. Your burial costs, will they exceed twenty-five hundred?
(WORKER laughs maniacally)
MANAGER
Watch out, Mayor! He’s blood-crazy. Don’t go near him.
(WORKER bites MAYOR, she screams in pain)
MAYOR
Oh my God, he bit my hand, hard! And he won’t let go.
MANAGER
Feed the bite, Mayor, feed the bite!
MAYOR
What do you mean, feed the bite?!
MANAGER
Push your hand into his mouth and force his jaw open.
MAYOR
Ah! Great. Aah! Thanks.
MANAGER
Are you bleeding?
MAYOR
Yeah! But I’m ok. It’s not the first time I’ve been bitten.
(Giggles)
MANAGER
You think it’s funny?
(MAYOR giggles more)
Seriously, if it can happen to the Mayor, it can happen to anyone.
(MAYOR giggles hysterically)
MAYOR
I mean, really!
MANAGER
Mayor. This is no laughing matter.
MAYOR
(Laughs uncontrollably)
Laughter’s contagious!
MANAGER
So’s rabies.
(WORKER barks)
Look! His eyes are rolling. Look!
MAYOR
Guess I’ll go get tested and treated now. Um, yeah, no big deal.
MANAGER
Jesus. We got a vicious raccoon on the loose! Somebody call Animal Control on him.
(WORKER spits)
We need to put him down. Mayor, are you ok?
MAYOR
Oh, I’m fine.
MANAGER
You don’t feel a little, uh, hostile?
MAYOR
No, I said I’m fine. Just thirsty.
(Pants heavily)
MANAGER
Your face! It’s changing. You’re transmogrifying.
MAYOR
Yaaaaaaaooooooowwll!
MANAGER
Damn, the incubation period is quick.
(MAYOR bites MANAGER, he screams in pain)
What? What? Now you’re biting me? Hey!
MAYOR
(Harshly)
Yeah. I bit you, so what?
(Growls)
MANAGER
So I’m a voter. I pay property taxes. I own my small business.
(MAYOR and WORKER growl. REPORTERS scatter)
Help! Help! Please! I’m being attacked! Help me! Anyone there? Am I the only sane person left in this city?
(Growls)
WORKER
(In a low voice)
You look like me, you talk like me, you are me. A low-status bum.
(SOUND: beatbox)
And Labor Ready is not a respecter of bums.
(Raps over the beat)
Ok
Here’s my coda
The tail of my story
When I penned it
I didn’t intend it
To be so bloody and gory
The plot I contrived
And revised thirty times
A terrible parable
The premise, in a brief sentence
“Come down from the sky, big guy”
Could be you in a year or two
Clawing back to the top
A boot to the tooth
Thanks alot
You’re a big bunch of assholes
You locked me out your households
You closed your doors to me
That’s life in the big city
Denver left me so sickly
Where I’m at
I’m at the Cold Facts
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF PLAY)
About the playwright:
Mark Sbani is a Denver–based playwright whose work blends sharp wit with offbeat observation. Born in New York, raised in Virginia, Sbani reached his peak in Colorado, settling near the quiet lakes of Washington Park, where the rhythms of nature — especially the flowers he admires and the geese he dislikes — influence his writing. Known for his humor and distinct narrative voice, Sbani creates plays that reflect the oddities of everyday life. His work often reflects how small moments shape larger truths. As he jokes, “Writing a play is like strangling a goose. It takes a long time.”
